You're not trying hard enough.

I'm not a good person.
I know.

But you.
You are just a terrible excuse for a human being.

The road you can take.

I'll take this pills and shove them down my throat to keep the words I dread from escaping my lips.

J J J J Jmal.

"HATE TO SAY I TOLD YOU SO"

Ok Go.

Maybe it's a shame
That it happened this way, but there's nothing I can do
And I know you like to say
That in a week it will have changed, but we both know it ain't true
So tell me for the last time why you're here
And I'll pretend to love you for the fear of breaking you

Close your eyes, baby take the time to choose
What it is you want to do
Cause I'm not sorry
And in the end, you know it all comes back to you
So take the time to choose
Cause I'm not sorry

So turn you head away
From the mess that we have made, cause there's nothing we can do
And don't you feel ashamed, when the light begins to fade
On the one thing, you thought you knew
And tell me for the last time why you're here
And I'll pretend to love you, for the fear of breaking you

Close your eyes, baby take the time to choose
What it is you want to do
Cause I'm not sorry
And in the end, you know it all comes back to you
So take the time to choose
Cause I'm not sorry

Lonely eyes I cannot trust
I know it's tough love but we must
Cut the ties and throw it away
I never wanted it this way
A broken heart is left to bleed, an open book is left to read
It's crystal clear, so tell me why can't you see

Close your eyes, baby take the time to choose
What it is you want to do
Cause I'm not sorry
And in the end, you know it all comes back to you
So take the time to choose
Cause I'm not sorry

Cause I'm not sorry
Cause I'm not sorry

I'm Jamal.
School's a Bitch.

Off the Cliffs, onto the Rocks.

Oh Love, oh I got plenty.
So why do I feel like I got nothing.
Oh Love, I'm so empty.
Who am I now?
Tell me what I'm gonna be.
Or give me back Me.

I'm Jamal.
An idea about Mary.

Heart-felt.

You know the feeling you get when someone you really like, dies.
Well 2 of them did. Both without a reason. And last person they talk to was me.

This is a shit feeling.
Life just keeps throwing things in my face.

I'm Jamal.
Will all this shit going on.
I wonder if I will succumb to it too.

The Bad Liars Lie.

I joke about myself knowing some of it is true.

What is happening to me.

I'm Jamal.
I want my old self back.

It's gonna be hard.

School starts tomorrow.
And I'm now feeling the heat of it.

Just for the record.
I never once like the song, Stolen.
Belle of the Boulevard, yes.
Stolen, no.

I'm Jamal.
Its a long way down.
Let's force it into your system, J.

Lately...

Even when my luck is down
I take joy in knowing that our love grows
But if my vices are a burden
Please don't let me off
Cast me from your home

Because lately I've wronged you
And not been on your side, love
Maybe I have been dumb
Please don't ask me why

I turn away just when you want me
And I know that home is where you want me
There's not much for me there

Never gave a thought to an honorable living
Always had sense enough to lie
It's getting hard to keep pretending I'm worth your time

Never gave a thought to an honorable living
Always had sense enough to lie
It's getting hard to keep pretending I'm worth your time

Because lately I've wronged you
And not been on your side, love
Maybe I have been dumb
Please don't ask me why
Please don't ask me why
Please don't ask me why
Please don't ask me

I'm Jamal.
Let's try. Just this once.
Let's all be happy.

What am I doing with my life?

GIVE ME STRENGTH.
CAUSE I REALLY NEED IT NOW.
PLEASE. I MEAN IT.

I'm Jamal.
Dying a little on the inside.
Everytime I lie about how I am feeling.

What I am truly feeling.

Just came back from the chalet this morning.
Walked the whole way alone with Jakes.
The chalets were fun.
But this was by far the biggest chalet I ever been to.
Was literally like HUGE.
With masterbedroom and 3 other sleeping room that holds 2 bed each with own toilets.
Someone brought their xbox so we hogged it.
Wish someone also brought Fatal Frame.
Been wanting to play it since GODS KNOWS WHEN.

I'm keeping myself bottled up this past few days.
It's nothing wrong, its just a way to deal with thing. Temporarily.

The letter Kumiko wrote to Toru Okada.
Briefly explains what I think happened to me.
HAHA! I gotta stop relating plots in story books to myself.

I'm Jamal.
Not caring for anyone.
But myself for now.

No time for work/myself.

Been darn Busy since last week.
Apparently with Chalets.
26-28 sept = Primary school chalet.
29 sept = Outing with poly year 1 sem 2 mates
30 sept = Went to school for PD meeting
1-3 oct = sec school chalet
4- ??oct = current poly clique + faci chalet.

When will i ever get work done in this time.
And i'm seriously lacking sleep with all this late nights at chalet.
But had a great supper and breakfast with Azri just now.
Wished Adib stayed nearby just like old times so we could meet up.
But we conclude that the times have changed.

Funny how I got millions and millions of things to say and tell.
Things to joke and laugh about.
But no one is at the other end of the cup with the string I'm holding onto.
Oh wells, lets keep it for another time.

I'm Jamal.
Please work your magic, oh Murakami-san.

Creta Kano.

Chalet was fun.
Besides the fact that everyone thinks my hair could double as a mop.
Everything was going oh-so-well.
And then someone had to send me a hate-message in the morning.
Was just sitting down laughing and having a ball of a time when,

Danial : Hey Jamal! Your phone rang. I didn't meant to read it, but I accidentally pressed it. And it started with Dear, Jamal Azizi. I HATE YOU!
Jamal : ?!?!?!?!

That was a shocker for the first day i guess.
Oh, and i spend sunrise alone sitting on a rock by the sea reading Murakami.
Nothing could have beat that feeling.
Never felt so relaxed in such a long time.
And then we rollerblade(d)? ( no idea if theres such a thing as rollerbladed)
The funny thing was, I usually have weird dreams.
That I know and come to love sharing with others.
But I dreamt once that I learnt how to rollerblade.
Yesterday was my first time rollerblading and honestly
I felt like I been rollerblading for a long time.
These dreams are not only entertaining but they're educational too i guess.
Everyone was kinda pissed at me for knowing how to rollerblade even when
it was my first time.
I've never felt so superior before in my life.
MUAHAHAHAHA!

I'm Jamal.
Its literally shit.
Like Monkeys on Shitty Island.

Battle Royale.

Just coz my existence has no effect anymore.
I'm such a jinx. I natural third wheel.
No matter what I do.
Couples will have trouble.
First Lina.
Not my FYP teammate.
And it doesn't help at a time like this.

Besides my family is torn apart.
Even without this, I'm pretty much in a mess.
With this now, who knows what might happen.
Some people just have to spoil everything.
Disgrace the name of the family.
And make parents feel miserable.
They're already troubled enough without this.

I REALLY HATE YOU SIS.

The Wind-Up Bird Sings.

I slept with misery buried deep in my chest and hopes in my head.
And now its beginning to rust.


I almost fell asleep while walking from school.
Been awake for 3 days.
And not because of stuffs.
Its coz i have far too much outings.
But its alright. I enjoy laughing at a time like this.
Thanks everyone for making me feel a bit better about myself.
Except that girl who stared at me the whole time while I was reading my book
Oh and lets appreciate people who i neglected.
Ron, Adib, Azri, Deniza, Jared, Johnboy, Jacob, Rabin, Celest.
Its starting to sound like an award speech.

I'm Jamal.
Hey hey Little Razorblade.

Just because.

People always say love at first sight.
That love is better at first sight.
I don't think that thing that happens at first sight is love.
I think Love kind of creeps up on you.
When you least expect it.



You grew on me like a tumour
And you spread through me like malignant melanoma
And now you’re in my heart
I should’ve cut you out back at the start

Now I’m afraid there’s no cure for me
No dose of emotional chemotherapy
Can halt my pathetic decline
I should’ve had you removed back when you were benign

I picked you up like a virus
Like meningo-fucking-coccal meningitis
Now I can’t feel my legs
When you’re around I can’t get out of bed

I’ve left it too late to risk an operation
I know there’s no hope for a clean amputation
The successful removal of you
Would probably kill me too

You grew on me like carcinoma
Crept up on me like untreated glaucoma
Now I find it hard to see
This untreated dose of you has blinded me

I should’ve consulted my local physician
I’m stuck now forever with this tunnel vision
My periphery is screwed
Wherever I look now, all I see is you

When we first met you seemed fickle and shallow
But my armour was no match for your poison arrow
You are wedged inside my chest
If I tried to take you out now I might bleed to death
I’m feeling short of breath

You grew on me like a tumour
And you spread through me like malignant melanoma
I guess I never knew
How fast a little mole can grow on you

I'm Jamal.

The Great Escape.

Haha to me.

Yeah Jamal.
You heard what I said.
You're nonsense.
So we laughed at you.

You Liar.

Sometime you just do.
Don't make promises you can't keep.
Fuck!

I'm Jamal.
Ron where are you.
I desperately need to talk to you.

Way to go, friend.

"Your hair is damn curly and sexy"
"Thanks"
"You know what I wished would happen now"
"What?"
"I want us to be captured by pirates who will strip us and tie us together face to face all naked with the ropes around us"
"What would they do such a thing"
"Perverted pirates. And you know what they would say?"
"I honestly have no idea"
"They will just say, ' In one hour,we're gonna throw you into the sea, so have a good time until then."
"Can you just go and sleep. I'll wake you up when the car reaches your place"


I don't mind if friends go drinking.
But please don't get too shitfaced till I have to travel.
I don't mind traveling to help someone.
But I seriously have no idea how to entertain them.
And you know there's a prob if a talkative person like me
have apparently nothing to talk about.
But out of all, the random conversations are just the worst.

I'm Jamal.
Coz it's all just a foolish game.

History.

I once had a girl or should I say, she once had me
She showed me her room. Isn't it good Norwegian wood?

She asked me to stay and told me sit anywhere
So I looked around and I noticed there wasn't a chair

I sat on a rug, biding my time, drinking her wine
We talked until two, and then she said, "It's time for bed,"

She told me she worked in the morning and started to laugh
I told her I didn't, and crawled off to sleep in the bath

And when I awoke, I was alone. This bird has flown
So I lit a fire. Isn't it good Norwegian wood?

Let's Laugh.

Like the title says.
Lets laugh today.
I will tell you about my life soon.
Right now, I'll show you things that made me laughed.

Project Rockband


Anyway i found some nice song lately.
Will put them in my


You know I seriously found that some countries are retarded.
I mean they are so into religion that they even photoshop pic of album cover.
Like how Saudi Arabia photoshoped Mariah Careys album just coz
she was showing some skin. I'll post them here soon.

I'm Jamal.
The one thing I regret.
Is coming back to haunt me.

please oh please.

Lets take pictures.
To remember the time we have.
But please. Lets not take with same faces.
Coz if you do. I'll just make a .gif fill of all of your pics.
Like these few people!






I'm Jamal.
I laughed alot today.
Thank you. Come again.

I spent half an hour on this.

Apparently there was a story of some Irish guy going to a Festival, where he was comissioned to create a banner of 14 leprechauns. On his way to the festival, the wind blew the banner out, and it got tattered and ripped. What he does, he puts it back into one large banner, but to his surprise, there are 15 leprechauns on the banner now!!!!! Can you figure out this out?



Count them carefully if you really want to.
There was 14 leprechauns before. But after the reassembly, there was 15.
Which one of them are actually the extra?

I'm Jamal.
This drove me near to insanity.

Supposedly.

WAS SUPPOSED TO GO OUT WITH RON TODAY.
But it didn't happened.
Ahhh shit. We've got loads to talk about.
But I guess he is really down lately.
He told me some things that was quite shocking.
Didn't know his NS life was that terrible.
But anyways, i respect him for keeping it quiet
and turning up with at least a smile everytime.

Ahhhh.. shit. I really really want to meet him.
but no HOMO. Just bromance.

I've always wished things was going fine for me.
I think i'm starting to become real selfish.
I need to change and quick too.

I'm Jamal.
I care for people too much.
But i like it that way.

Use a Condom.

Art & Style.
Let's at least try to get along.

I'm Jamal.
Kiss kiss, Bang bang.
Pregnant prenant.
Married divorce.

Confused.

Someone called me today.
Telling me that my work was chosen by RP to be on the cover.
Now I have to write up a few lines about myself.
But when I ask what work it was, she said it was my little red dot piece.
I don't recall having done a little red dot piece.
I'm really worried that i may offend a few people
if my name was wrongly chosen and my name went onto
a design that is not mine.

I'm Jamal.
Decisions.Decisions.Decisions.

Stab Me.

Can.
Everyone.
Just.
Please.
Stop.
Being.
So.
Rigid.

I'm Jamal.
It's okay to relax once in a while.

The Speaker Resonates Your Name.

Let's start talking in codes.
Like the way I speak to you.
Our friend will find it rather peculiar.
And they'll start their own language too.

hahaha. that actually rhymed.
Reminds me of this poem I once read.

Roses are red
Violets are blue
Some poems rhyme
this one doesn't.

Besides miscellaneous stuffs
I been pretty paranoid lately
About things happening all around me
People, things, object, just everything.
One spark could make me go all paranoid.
And then a cool gust can just take the paranoia away.
I myself don't understand whats going on yet along explain it.
You know, some people just don't see how beautiful they are
Not in the sense of physically but you know.

Tomorrow is my UT.
And then its my holiday.
I'm getting teased alot lately.
Maybe I should do something about it.
Maybe I shouldn't.
Decisions, decisions and more decisions.
Lets fly a kite? Or a balloon. Or just a plastic bag.
Lets do something unexpected. Lets do something wild.
Lets do something freaky. Lets get crazy.
I mean who know right, I could be dead tomorrow. HAHA!

I'm Jamal.
Life is a Bitch.
But shes totally do-able.
She'll knock you around.
And then lend you a hand.

He's paranoid.

I so wish i didn't have to study.
I have a freaking UT at 8.30am later.
And directly after that i have to attend a competition that is part of the UT3.
I wonder what else could go wrong.

One more thing i hate.
Being the back up plan.
That's just sucks period blood.
They made plans and then they call it off because someone else could make it.
But then again, what makes me so high and mighty to be talking as such.
Funny much. Hmmm.. Ninjas makes good stalkers..
Growing up is tough. But studying for UT3 is tougher.

Let us remember.
Life is a beautiful mistake.
Its precious and fragile.
Sometimes more than we can take.
Its stronger than fire.
Greater than all the wars we wage.
I don't know what you wan me to be.
But I don't want to be perfect anymore.

I'm Jamal.
The constellations smiles on me tonight.

Irritated.

Some people just need to learn to shut the fuck up.
Fucking irritants. Here i am trying to study.
Some irritant kept complaining about how her probs.
IT'S JUST A TRIVIAL THING.
So what if people think your work ain't nice.
Just shut the FUCK up and move the FUCK on.
Fucking stupid.
Saying this is a lie. That is a lie.
Never wanting to trust anyone.
By all means just fucking do it already and don't corrupt my space.
I'm getting worked up for nothing!
FUCK!

I'm Jamal.
& I'm fucking going out for a walk.
FUCKING STUPID!

First dance.

She lied again.
I feel so dead now.
Just kidding.
I need to study.
UT3 is coming and i am scared shitless.
HAHAH!

I'm Jamal.
Hope everything turns out alright.

Can you feel it?

There's something different about today.
But I can't put my finger on it.
Whatever it is, I don't want it to end.
I'm so happy today.
I'm tooooo cheerful to even be thinking about feeling down.
Everything's is so bouncy and cheery today.
I wished today never ends.

I'm Jamal.
I hope you can move on with your life.
Just like you do.
Coz only you can make everything alright.
Just like you shoooby-doooo-doo-do..

Should I stay or should I go.

Fooled.
Yet again.
I gotta get a new hobby.
Coz this is just getting old.
Haha!

I'm Jamal.
I don't know what's going on anymore.
But I think I like it.

The stuff we do.

I'm back to my normal self i guess.
I'm not as stupid and naive as before.
If that's the way it is then thats the way its going to be.
But i'll be honest and say that i actually am kind of down lately.

But the thing is, i thought that i was down because of some stupid issue.
I think that the reason behind me being down was in fact,
schools is ending. In fact it already has.
I'm really starting to miss them like crazy.
Everything about them.
Rejecting Rabin's jokes. Raping Afiq/Abang Badan coz he have MusKLES!. Jacob's impression, singing and dancing. Disturning Yasin with names or with the spider movement. Teasing Ben Blunt. Caling Marisa snail just cause she eat them before. Mimicking cindys voice, poorly. Getting Angry at Olivia for the same reason over and over and over again. Eating sessions outside class. Everything i guess.

I can safely say i think i enjoyed this class the most.
But things have to change.
And i hate change.

I'm Jamal.
No witty or emotional end to this post.

The World.

Today i learned something.
No matter how much you try to ignore something.
Your mind and body will eventually remind of it again.

I'm in my room.
In the dark.
I'm trying to think logically.
But my brain is failing.
My heart is beating faster than usual.
And i am starting to get worried.
The attacks came back today.
Unfortunately it was in class.
I was lucky i had my pill.
I'm just wondering what if it happens in class in my fasting month?

I'm not one who dwells.
I'm not one who noses.
But everything is getting on my nerves nowadays.
And life is throwing everything in my way.

I'm just a human being.
And I'm still quite young.
I wanna live my life without _____ & _____.
I want to live my life free of _____&_____.
What are the blanks for?
I think those are the answers i have yet to find in my life now.

I'm Jamal.
Disappointed, upset, confused, anger & joy.
It all means the same thing to me now.

I'm at a lost of what to do.

My minds mess.

My body is a wreck.

My heart is aching.

My fingers are blistering.

My eyes are bullet holes.



But I'm still breathing.
Guess I'm pretty lucky.


I'm Jamal.
I'm not going emo.
I'm just lost.

i feel like shit.

i found out something today.

its anything but good news.

For the first time in a long time.

There really is no one.

I hate myself more than ever.

I tried to sleep it off.

but sleeping doesnt help.



I'm Jamal.
Can anyone just please help me?

I'm Jamal.
I need to post this for school purposes.

This is for real.

My brain is just not functioning like how it used to be.
I think i am starting to get sick of some of the stuffs.
Im starting to do some silly stuffs even i myself can't imagine.
My mom caught me throwing my plate in the dustbin and me throwing empty cartons of drink in the sink.
I think it the lack of sleep but i really have no idea.



I skipped this part a long time ago.
I think it is coming back.
I need more time.
I need more sleep.
I need more rest.
I need the meds again.


I can feel my body getting sick.
From the burn in the back of my eyes.
To the slight irritation that is slowly growing in my nose.
I'm growing up but everything feels the same.
Gonna have one really hectic day tomorrow.
Its 1.50 now.
I have to wake up at 6 plus.
Schools at 8.
Ends at 12.
Make my way back to Khatib to attend a my close friends moms funeral.
And then back to school for fyp.
With PD, DS and 2 2000-word report to do on.

I'm Jamal.
It won't end here.
Your faith has to be stronger than your fear.

This is for real.

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Kill the director.

Lifes been busy and things been happening.
If it wasnt for Debbie Wong and Karl Maka's Song for Debbie Wong.
I think i might have lost it and went insane.
These creatures changed their minds alot.
These creatures changed their mood suddenly.
These creatures makes us weak.
These creatures are the motives why some of us are alive.
I will never understand this creatures.



I'm Jamal.
And here's another post about a gender i'll never understand.

I severely need to post this..

I'm Jamal.
Sorry for the lack of an update.

Afraid.

Finally done with my RJ and stuffs.
Schools been really freaking busy with FYP and stuffs coming up.
I have to come back to school on Wednesday even when i don't have school.
These FYP meetings are taking everything.
And the stupid NS shit are going to take my Saturdays which means less time for designs.
I think i may need a new direction and a new light in my life.
If you have read my Facebook status.
This was the design i worked on for like 1 whole day without sleep.
Before realizing it is not a good example.
I mean it may look nice and such but it is not a good example to
promote the product. So its back to the drawing board.




The final design did.
The image itself is not that good but i was too sick and tired
not mentioning sleepy to do it properly.
I need to really reconsider my designs next time.

I'm Jamal.
Everybody's got to hold on hope.
That's the last thing that's holding me.

Childish Mindsets..

I read an article lately. It featured a parable about a man with eyeglasses so small, they're unwearable. And the moral of the story is that everything could look terrible depending on what you look through.

Lotsa things happened.
I think I got the situation sorted out.
I mean its dumb to try and get me to feel bad just
coz i have a low tolerance in making people feel bad.
Well if some people can't see themselves in my shoes,
so be it. I can't change a thing.

You get angry when i try to change you.
But when i concentrate on my stuffs, you shrugged your shoulder in disgust.
What nonsense. Well your life is more important than my dreams and my interest.
So what if you can't make time. I have goals to achieve and i have stuffs to do as well.
Its not like im ditching you guys for some other people.
I stayed at home doing all my work.
When i finally got my stuffs together and try to pursue them seriously,
you think im not helping myself.
HAHA. What a joke.
I know it seems like im bad and stuffs.
But i too have dreams and hope i want to accomplish.
I am not a good person, i know.
But sometimes i just have to be selfish to get things done.

Why am i acting as such.
I think i was weak.
A little push and i was gonna apologize.
Well i don't actually need people who don't understand.
Its not anything i can take up anytime.
You wanna talk about responsibilities, talk to my teammates
when they find out why i didnt finish my work.


I'm Jamal.
We don't need hypocrites.

On a Roll Babe.

I'm supposed to go out later to do my design.
But as my previous post says,
I'm really addicted to design.
And what I was supposed to finish later,
I just happened to finish it just a few seconds ago.
Man, I'm on a roll.
If only I was like this everyday.


Anyway, same project different output.
A newsletter layout for the Designer forum
in Straits Times. I haven added the borders and stuffs.
But that all could be done in less than 5 minutes so I'll do it
when I feel like it.

I'm Jamal.
Gosh I'm so tired.
But I smell food.

Lifeless Existence.

I realized I never actually go out anymore.
It could be I'm failing in my social life.
But I guess not as much as Johnboy though.
He went onto facebook and facebook literally went,
'It looks like you frequently go on facebook.
Do you want to make it your homepage?'
Social life fail?

I have no idea.
But I think i may have an addiction
to doing designs and stuffs.
I think it could be due to my
so called 'inexperience-ness'
I'm just trying to learn as much as I go.
I think i got the hang of illustrating in photoshop.
Need to start learning to use A.I soon.
Adobe Illustrator for those who don't get the abbreviated form.

I'm Jamal.
Nothing actually makes sense.
Once you start thinking STRAIGHT.

Not necessarily a good thing.

Finally done with the layout for design studio.
But there is three other designs.
Not sure which one to use.
Today's gonna rain again.
And i need to get me a sketchbook.
I think it better if i have one sketchbook for drafts.
And one final one for final sketch.
But for now, lets just curl up in our beds listening
the song of the rain.

I'm Jamal.
I tried to change your mind a thousand times.
But this will take 'getting used to'.

I'm a Wall.

I'm not too sure about things right now.
But one things for sure, I thought of just doing the production name.
Its not final but I can't sleep anyway.
Well, it's strange. Today is strange.
But work needs to be done.

Everything happens for a reason.
I wish life would just stop teasing me.
And show me where I'm supposed to be.

I'm Jamal.
Fucking hate it.
Don't ask if you don't care.

AH-HAH! its done!

Final design completed!I'm so happy!!!

I'm Jamal.
My feet still hurts.
Idiot. Stupid lady Gaga fault!

Changes are....Good?

Everything keeps changing.
Even designs. One moment its alright.
The next it becomes unacceptable.
I think i need to really get my head straighten out.
I've yet to submit my PD.
I have no idea why.
I have all the stuffs i need to submit it.
I'm just not doing it.
My brains really fried.




My feet hurts.
It hurts even when I walk.
But it suck when i need to pretend its ok.
Even in class. I just shake the pain off.
Fuck! It freaking hurts.

BUT WHAT TO DO.
MEN MUST BE STRONG.
HAHAHA!


Make Art Not War.
A Poster a did a few months back for a module.


I'm Jamal.
Designs killing me.
But I like it.

Meet Me at the Dead Dog.

We bend. We break.
We Just can't stand it.
We've got no money so we're running away.
The times have changed.
So let's demand it.
Well, is there a cure?

Coz everybody knows there's no solution.
Not everybody get what they would like.
I don't wanna be in this place forever.
I don't be here for tonight.

I've been burning the midnight oil more than often these past few days.
With the works of the design studio.
Well i would upload the pics but its just sketches now.
One motivation I do have is seeing Rabin online at this time too.
He's really a fucking role model.





I'll try to upload the finalized designs as soon as i get hold of them.
But for now, i should really be getting back to work.

I'm Jamal.
I'm delusioned from the visions of my past.