Should I stay or should I go.

Fooled.
Yet again.
I gotta get a new hobby.
Coz this is just getting old.
Haha!

I'm Jamal.
I don't know what's going on anymore.
But I think I like it.

The stuff we do.

I'm back to my normal self i guess.
I'm not as stupid and naive as before.
If that's the way it is then thats the way its going to be.
But i'll be honest and say that i actually am kind of down lately.

But the thing is, i thought that i was down because of some stupid issue.
I think that the reason behind me being down was in fact,
schools is ending. In fact it already has.
I'm really starting to miss them like crazy.
Everything about them.
Rejecting Rabin's jokes. Raping Afiq/Abang Badan coz he have MusKLES!. Jacob's impression, singing and dancing. Disturning Yasin with names or with the spider movement. Teasing Ben Blunt. Caling Marisa snail just cause she eat them before. Mimicking cindys voice, poorly. Getting Angry at Olivia for the same reason over and over and over again. Eating sessions outside class. Everything i guess.

I can safely say i think i enjoyed this class the most.
But things have to change.
And i hate change.

I'm Jamal.
No witty or emotional end to this post.

The World.

Today i learned something.
No matter how much you try to ignore something.
Your mind and body will eventually remind of it again.

I'm in my room.
In the dark.
I'm trying to think logically.
But my brain is failing.
My heart is beating faster than usual.
And i am starting to get worried.
The attacks came back today.
Unfortunately it was in class.
I was lucky i had my pill.
I'm just wondering what if it happens in class in my fasting month?

I'm not one who dwells.
I'm not one who noses.
But everything is getting on my nerves nowadays.
And life is throwing everything in my way.

I'm just a human being.
And I'm still quite young.
I wanna live my life without _____ & _____.
I want to live my life free of _____&_____.
What are the blanks for?
I think those are the answers i have yet to find in my life now.

I'm Jamal.
Disappointed, upset, confused, anger & joy.
It all means the same thing to me now.

I'm at a lost of what to do.

My minds mess.

My body is a wreck.

My heart is aching.

My fingers are blistering.

My eyes are bullet holes.



But I'm still breathing.
Guess I'm pretty lucky.


I'm Jamal.
I'm not going emo.
I'm just lost.

i feel like shit.

i found out something today.

its anything but good news.

For the first time in a long time.

There really is no one.

I hate myself more than ever.

I tried to sleep it off.

but sleeping doesnt help.



I'm Jamal.
Can anyone just please help me?

I'm Jamal.
I need to post this for school purposes.

This is for real.

My brain is just not functioning like how it used to be.
I think i am starting to get sick of some of the stuffs.
Im starting to do some silly stuffs even i myself can't imagine.
My mom caught me throwing my plate in the dustbin and me throwing empty cartons of drink in the sink.
I think it the lack of sleep but i really have no idea.



I skipped this part a long time ago.
I think it is coming back.
I need more time.
I need more sleep.
I need more rest.
I need the meds again.


I can feel my body getting sick.
From the burn in the back of my eyes.
To the slight irritation that is slowly growing in my nose.
I'm growing up but everything feels the same.
Gonna have one really hectic day tomorrow.
Its 1.50 now.
I have to wake up at 6 plus.
Schools at 8.
Ends at 12.
Make my way back to Khatib to attend a my close friends moms funeral.
And then back to school for fyp.
With PD, DS and 2 2000-word report to do on.

I'm Jamal.
It won't end here.
Your faith has to be stronger than your fear.

This is for real.